Pembroke — While many call it “the most wonderful time of the year” for those experiencing a loss and grieving, Christmas and the Holiday Season can be especially painful, and strategies offered through the GriefShare Program, including in-person sessions and online resources, can help.

“Grief is not a seasonal issue,” said Pastor Paul DeGraff, a pastor at Calvary Baptist Church in Pembroke where the GriefShare Program is being offered. “But Christmas can be the most devastating time of year for people.”

GriefShare is a support group ministry and the church began offering it in the last year with some special “stand alone” sessions in the late fall. The session on “Surviving the Holidays” was held last Wednesday evening and offered a video session, practical guidebook and small group sharing time.

“Even though the holidays are painful, they can bring healing,” he said.

The video, which included comments from counsellors and individuals experiencing grief sharing their stories, opened the session offering insight on the grieving process, especially at Christmas and the holiday season. Participants heard for those experiencing grief at the holidays it can be like a children’s mobile hanging over a crib and having a piece missing. Everything is out of balance. Because of this, it is important to have a plan for the holidays. One strategy is to make a list of all activities that are a part of Christmas and the holiday season and go over each one to see if it is needed or if it can be let go.  Making a list of traditions and looking at the list to see what is needed or what can be passed on can be helpful, participants heard. It is okay to realize a tradition can be skipped one year and brought in another year.

Other options include having a pre or post holiday visit if the holiday season is too difficult.

One woman in the video shared how her husband always purchased her a special piece of jewelry each year. On the first Christmas after he had died, she went to the jewelry store, commissioned a piece and asked for it to be wrapped, so she opened it on Christmas day.

Lighting a candle to remember a loved one at gatherings can be significant. Other strategies are to loosen little by little the grip on “what used to be.”

One suggestion was to acknowledge the difference between moving on and moving forward. While moving on implies forgetting the loved one, moving forward is acknowledging the loss and continuing to live with the grief.

Making plans, setting priorities and pacing activities is important, but it is also important to hold on to plans loosely and be flexible. Grief ebbs and flows and perhaps attending an event or hosting an event is not possible, so holding onto things loosely, including commitments, is important. Plans might change or need to change. Accepting an invitation tentatively is okay, participants heard.

As well, it is important to have an exit plan from a Christmas event if it becomes too overwhelming and it is okay to leave the event at any time if needed.

Some people who are dealing with a loss and face a Christmas gathering are surprised when no one mentions their missing loved one. However, it is important to let the grieving individual share if they want to talk – or not.

“Have scripted answers and a feeling of how much you want to disclose or how little you want to disclose,” a counsellor in the video advised. “It is not impolite to say, ‘I’d rather not talk about it, but I appreciate your concern.’.”

The participants in the video also shared how grief at Christmas is not only the first Christmas. Sometimes the second or third Christmas can be harder.

One option presented to get out of the pain of loss is to bless others and focus on others. Sometimes grief makes people self-centred, so finding a way to give to others in the holiday season can be a positive step, a counsellor on the video noted.

As a Christian organization, GriefShare also points people to the support found in faith and through a relationship with Jesus. Talking to God, reading the Bible and knowing God can provide help can be a blessing.

“The pain is a sign I live in a broken world but God is with me,” a participant in the video noted.

Being thankful for what you have is important and not just focusing on what you don’t have. A woman whose son died suddenly recalled in the video she had begun writing down at 60 all the things she was thankful for. Her son died less than a week later and when she found the list of her blessings and the things she was thankful for, it helped her.

As well, at the Christmas season it is more important than ever to realize Christmas is “the sufferer’s holiday since if there was no pain or suffering, there would be no need for Christmas.”

Christmas is a season about hope and God’s plan for a suffering world through the birth of Jesus, the participants in the video noted.

Pastor DeGraff noted GriefShare is very much a support group ministry and the sessions are geared to a time of listening to the video and then sharing confidentially in small groups. It is a time to talk and know someone is listening. He added there are resources online, including daily emails, which can be very helpful and anyone can sign up for them. For more information go to grieffshare.org/holidays.

“You need a person to help you with your grief,” he said. “If you don’t have someone, call our church.  We would like to help.”

There are people who are hurting very deeply through their grief and need additional help, he said. No one should ever feel they are alone with no options while they are grieving, he stressed.

“If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, call us, call a friend, call a family member or call your doctor,” Pastor DeGraff said.

A new GriefShare session is being offered beginning in early February. It is a 13-week program and will run in February, March and April. The Calvary Baptist Church office can be reached at 613-735-5293.